saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize