So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
