im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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