I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
