that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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