You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
