HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize