Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just invented taco cereal.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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