holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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