Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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