best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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