and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
