it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
