Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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