Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
