I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
