I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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