whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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