WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize