90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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