My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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