I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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