Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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