I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
