hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
