I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize