So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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