you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
