it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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