First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my shit smells like andre
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
