I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
