sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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