I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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