So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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