Michael Bay diarrhea
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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