who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
