I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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