well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
