and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
