I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
