u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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