Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
