At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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