two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
