Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
They left me at home... I'm a liability
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
