i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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