alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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