Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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