ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
