I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
