Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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