I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
