my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
