that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
