Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
