My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
