I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
