I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
