wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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