Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
